just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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