11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
