just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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