One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
