Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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