This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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