you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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