hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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