Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Randomize
