she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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