I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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