bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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