i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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