I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
