When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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