if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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