A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
