I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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