I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
