so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
