new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
