I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I can't turn off my feet"
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
