and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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