im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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