Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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