I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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