I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
