did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
