so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
