Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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