This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
