Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
