THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
