Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
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