I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
