Just cropdusted the office
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
you're hired as official boob wrangler
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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