What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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