Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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