My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
