His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
