Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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