The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
