I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
