Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
