There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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