just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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