I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
