i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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