Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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