filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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