i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
