in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
