Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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