worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
