so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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