you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
