I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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