My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I need to calm my uterus...
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
