dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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